Periods are good, everyone. Periods are your friends. First of all, gag me with a spoon. Secondly, who let that present-tense verb suppose out past its bedtime? Narrative verb tense needs to be consistent. I will say this about Twilight: it gets people reading. For that, I will commend it. It could be about Twilight or rap music or bad drivers. Which is part of what makes it funny. Kendrick is massive now and very clearly has great comic timing but Twilight was a breakout for her.
Jessica is the anti-Bella. The elephant in the room is perhaps Taylor Lautner as Jacob. Not the strongest of the cast and less of a breakout post- Twilight than the two leads and Kendrick though Lautner did prove he can also do comedy with his regular role in Brit show Cuckoo , Jacob did become a counterpart for people who liked their chaps a bit less pasty and a bit more buff. But after the first film she was out. Though she was offered part two it was on the proviso that it come out just a year after part one which gave her too tight a turnaround to be able to deliver the film she wanted to make.
Instead the rest of the franchise went to male directors. There are other badass women out there that could have done those. Whether you like Twilight or not, it was an undeniably successful movie which truly understood its audience. Years later studios are still trying to capture that magic again — YA romances have come and gone to various degrees of success, but Twilight is the one that endures. But the sacrifice for this is that you must live nearly entirely apart from society.
Fair or not, the sun and daytime—light itself—will represent good, and night will always be the province of evil and wrongdoing. And because vampires are a metaphor for the things that go on in the night such as sex, murder, and rock n roll the sun is their undoing.
For a vampire, you live eternally doomed to function apart from society. In her insanely vapid view of the Vamps, they can go out in broad daylight without harm.
Instead of bursting into flames… they sparkle. Oooooh, scary. They are fast, strong, beautiful, powerful and have none of the weaknesses of traditional vampires.
Not silver , not garlic , not holy water or even sunlight. You can even go vegan and not eat humans. The idea of being a vampire is supposed to challenge the reader with some sort of choice. Would I want to live forever if I could never see the sun? That argument completely loses its memes because every single person or vampire pairs off at the end of the book.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to fuck up a literary metaphor as deeply ingrained in the social consciousness as vampires? Evidently, it CAN be done. Ask Stephanie Meyer. The mess that started it all. Despite being badly written and horribly paced, I can see the appeal. The narrative by Bella gives it a personal appeal that I think helps the lackluster story. By far, the worst book of the series.
Two things: one, Bella has no romantic interest in Jake, and despite the fact that she tells him this, he hangs on like a sick puppy which is a great pun, considering. She continues to hang out with him, knowing this makes it worse for him instead of manning up and leaving him alone—or better yet, trying to set him up with a slutty friend so he can get laid and stop pining over her. Here is the worst part. Her entire relationship with Jacob portrays Bella as a complete and total moron.
He is a damn werewolf how do you not see it!? Especially with the clues she is given throughout the book. On top of which, basically this book is too long by half. Most of it is unnecessary character development that leads nowhere.
Instead of keeping it short and sweet, Meyer shows her chops by over-writing and using advanced literary techniques, like the thesaurus function in Microsoft Word. Sweet, welcome to 10th grade English. You could cut pages out of New Moon and wind up with about the same result. I like that Meyer actually made an interesting contribution to vampire literature: in her version, each vampire develops a kind of special power, generally associated with a trait that they had when they were human.
Hence, Edward can read minds, Emmett is essentially a juiced up vamp. The main thrust of this story is that somehow Edward gets Bella preggo, and in order to save her from the hybrid nuisance inhabiting her abdominal cavity, they need to turn Bella into a vamp, stat. This pisses off the Voltari, who are like the royal family of the vamp world, imposing harsh justice on the rest of the beautiful undead. The birth of this child upsets the universe, and it seems like the Voltari are coming across the pond to stomp out the Cullen clan with extreme prejudice, ending this insane dalliance with illogic once and for all.
I wished them luck. Instead, in the end, Bella, having mastered her new vamp powers after about 7 minutes, defeats the oldest most powerful vampires in the world with her magical mind spider web of idiocy. I think this is probably what happened: When she was a freshman in high school, a shy and pleasantly odiferous Stephanie Meyer, dwelling in the lower echelons of social and intellectual mediocrity, had the good fortune to be placed into a remedial English class, where she got to sit next to an older boy named Eddie, who had great hair.
Although he never spoke to her, young Stephanie Meyer was convinced they were in love. In the end, Meyer decided to mentally masturbate to the idea of What Might Have Been for fucking pages, and drag the rest of us along for the ride. John Romaniello is a level 70 orc wizard who spends his days lifting heavy shit and his nights fighting crime. You can read his articles here, and rants on Facebook. December 8, at pm. September 9, at am. August 7, at am.
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December 2, at am. December 1, at pm. November 29, at pm. November 28, at am. November 24, at pm. November 24, at am. November 23, at am. November 22, at pm. November 22, at am. November 21, at pm. A Completely Biased Review of Twilight. Posted by John Romaniello. Want More Awesome Shit? Sign up for our newsletter and get automatically notified when we post new face-meltingly rad articles.
I read Twilight. I read the entire Twilight saga, in fact. Tell you what, though: What a fucking joke. I hate Bella more than I hate spiders. In other words, to teenage girls reading Twilight , Bella shines like a beacon of hope.
Edward The supposed hero of this turgid suckfest is one of the least impressive, one-dimensional characters ever put down on paper. One : Edward was a Vampire Two : There was a part of him—and I had a very good idea which part—that wanted to pilfer my naughty bits, despite the fact that I am 17 and Edward is well over years older than me. Enjoy his old balls, Bella. About the Author John Romaniello is a level 70 orc wizard who spends his days lifting heavy shit and his nights fighting crime.
Comments for This Entry. Jezzie75 Best article regarding this series. Entertaining and captured everything I disliked about the books perfectly. I tried explaining my dislike to a die hard fan, pretty much describing what you wrote, and I just know she was killing me in her mind.
Tsukki Edward, an ideal boyfriend? Pfft, I'd rather go drown myself in a lake than touch him with a ten-foot pole. If I were Bella, I'd be hailing the police because Edward's behavior would send every warning bell in my system ringing. And yes, she's a Mary Sue. Look, she's so introverted and thinks she's not all that pretty but oh what the hell look at all those guys falling at your feet, Bella, LOOK. Rant over, haha. I just find reading about how Twilight sucks very therapeutic.
Whenever I'm mad, I scroll down the net looking for this kind of pages and start reading. As a person who's halfway through planning a vampire novel, Twilight is a huge blow to my The only problem I have with this and about every other site talking about how Twilight sucks is the fact that they well, you have to make it seem like Twilight is the Dream of dreams of teenage girls.
It's NOT true, by the way. Me and my friend spend all the time laughing at my oh-the-Twilight-vamps-sparkle-I'm-sooooo-scared jokes. I swear if someone if tries to imply that I like Twilight I'm gonna blow. Jake jr I feel like you should write a book on vampires werewolves and other mythical creatures Id buy it on the spot. Jake jr XD savage and accurate August 7, at am. Krista Julienne I only just read this when it was tagged in a newer blog post.
It is epic, and perfect. Thank you. Or, even worse, being forced to listen to Twilight on audiobook while jogging. Holy shit [ Sam Alt Reid I love your views and points about this whole series, I too have twice read through and share a lot of your thoughts about this.
Great review. I like how you also admit, there could have been somthing in this story, and there are a few things that are well, about ok. At least Buffy broached the same stuff in a better way, with a strong female charactor. Twilight was undeserving of all the hate it got, even if it lacked a proper plot and its protagonists were painfully underdeveloped, but those who mocked it for years missed the point of the stories, which was, simply, to entertain a specific audience.
Adrienne Tyler is a features writer for Screen Rant. She is an Audiovisual Communication graduate who wanted to be a filmmaker, but life had other plans and it turned out great. Adrienne is very into films and she enjoys a bit of everything: from superhero films to heartbreaking dramas, to low-budget horror films.
Every time she manages to commit to a TV show without getting bored, an angel gets its wings.
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